this is it!

i already applied for a us visa online a few minutes ago.. it's make or break, sink or swim. bahala na! whaaaaaa!!!!

spirit of giving & forgiving

Everybody and everything just pushes me away from where I am right now as if saying I really don’t belong here. From my friends who have made plans of leaving the country (if they leave, ako na lang ang matitira ditto), to my parents who have encouraged me to try my luck some place else (they taught me not to be complacent with where I am because this will stun my growth) and a friend who doesn’t want me in the four corners of the office anymore.

I mean I owe her a lot, and I don’t wanna entertain this paranoia, but I slowly feel this is her home base, this is here terrain. Well, im just so glad im starting to be open to things I haven’t thought of before and that I’m lucky someone’s willing to shoulder the damages. I’m just so blessed to have my Tito in my life.

Perhaps I’m just starting to feel the Christmas spirit, where everybody feels blue and is encapsulated in the spirit of giving.

I believe that people are good in nature. Sometimes they are just blinded by personal motives. Im happy I have other friends who empathize. And I thank God for that.

on leaving and being left behind

this is it! we finally heard from janice that her flight bound to dubai will be on october 19th. she sent us a short and sad message. i suddenly felt a jolt of thunder on my chest. this is it,this is goodbye...for now.

the message said that she'll miss us and that she's thankful for everything we've done for her. in retrospect, every "leaving" that i've encountered in my life consists of a series of "thank yous" and the assurance that something or someone will be sorely missed. leaving -- be it physically, "spiritually," temporarily or permanently entails a certain kind of pain that's being inflicted in a person, be it the one leaving or the one being left behind.

a person leaving something or someone hurts just as half as the one being left behind. the dumpee will always hurt more than the dumper. it will be a great lie to say otherwise. the one who left has probably thought of all the possible logical reasons that will persuade the one he's leaving that it's the right thing to do, that he will be happier if he goes this way,and that he's doing this for his own well-being. no matter how hard or how devastating things can be,the one left behind will always have to make do with these reasons. most of the time, if not always, he will have to give in to the persuasion though he may not understand. the least thing one could do is have faith in the person that his happiness can be found elsewhere,as well as success,growth and that peculiar feeling that will make him say "i'm home."

well,i think we all should not be afraid of change. everyone,at some point in our lives,will have to move to another "place." we have to always be resilient to change, kailangan natin mabuhay kahit saan man tayo itapon. i believe it's human nature -- we grow, we move on to experience better things in life. we just have to be "accepting." after all,bilog ang mundo. lahat tayo at some point aalis,and for sure lahat tayo iniwanan. but i'm sure we will arrive at something good. yeah,i can't wait! ;-)

on angels and broken wings

i played a very important role today -- an angel.

i met with an old friend who just came back from the states. it was
nice seeing him again. i was just saddened coz he's currently caught in a
dilemma: to marry or not to marry. you see,he is about to get married
in a few months. they're busy preparing for the wedding,making
reservations and appointments and all. one big problem: he's having doubts. he
and his fiancée aren't speaking for a few days now because of some
misunderstanding. the girl still has unresolved issues involving her
family, herself and the relationship. man,i was so careful with what to say
as the issue is highly sensitive. i tried so hard not to give a piece of
advice,especially if uncalled for. trying hard to bring out the
psychologist in me,i presented him with options and scenario that will
somehow broaden his view. after all,the last thing he ever needed was a piece
of advice. after all,i trust that he's a smart kid. all he needed was
an ear to listen.. and listen close. i was just so moved when he said i
was always there when he needed a friend desperately. he wouldn't
wanna tell it to his other friends coz he believes no one will take him
seriously. at first,i was adamant to accept his dinner invitation, but im
just glad i did.

later that night,i received a text from another guy friend. he asked
how i was. he's not the type who'd check on me,so i sensed something was
wrong. he was having dinner with an ex-girlfriend. he was hurt when he
knew she is still sleeping with a guy she knows from work. i know how
hard and painful for my friend to hear that,as we all know how the mail
ego works. he was so furious when he learned that the girl hasn't
informed her family that they've long been over. and that she and the fuck
buddy aren't in a committed relationship (duh!). he's having a hard time
accepting it although it's been months since he knew about this.

you know,i may not have given my two friends a sound advice,but being
there to listen was reason enough for them to feel better and be hopeful
enough that things will fall into place. i know i have somehow eased
their burdens. i really appreciate the trust that these two boys gave
me.

c'mon guys,admit it. i'm your angel 0:-)

five stages of dying

elisabeth kubler - ross, in her 1969 book "on death and dying," applied the stages of dying (a.k.a. the stages of grief)to any form of catastrophic loss -- of family, a job, a loved one. studies say it doesn't have to come in chronological order, nor one does have to experience all stages. these stages do not pertain to loss of life per se, but also of routine, friendship, even customary activities. any change in one's way of life may bring about these stages.

let me delve deeper into the stages.

stage 1: denial - the initial stage, "this can't be happening." it takes time for people to accept changes. change puts a stop to continuity, to fluidity of things that a person has grown accustomed to. the world will never be the same without that one thing that used to be part of it.

stage 2: anger - the common question: "why me? this is unfair!"
this is where all the blame comes in. one can blame himself, another person, or even god for the mishaps he has experienced. intense anger can build up and a person can think of ugly things towards others, like hurting them intentionally, and to extreme cases, taking his own life.

stage 3: bargaining - "let me be so i can be"
this is where a person bargains for something just to pacify an immediate need. a powerful coping mechanism and a vain expression of hope that bad news is reversible.

stage 4: depression - the final realization of the inevitable.
it finally dawns on a person that "death" is inevitable. we all go through it, and some experience it early on in life, some later. a person prepares himself for the final battle -- giving up on the belief that it is over and it will never come back to how it was like before.

stage 5: acceptance - "i'm ready, i'm going to be okay"
after exhausting all the efforts to bring things back, finally, a stage that finally makes one accept his fate. to the hopefuls, like goes on for them. they seek better friendship, relationship and endeavors. one continually seeks for more productive things, healthier relationships and more caring affinities. bottom line: life goes on.

i'm not sure what stage i'm in right now. i just hope to accept things already, heal from my wounds and learn from this experience.

hit me baby one more time

I have never been a Britney Spears fanatic. I think, I’m even one of those who criticize her for the decisions she makes in life. At such a young age, she enjoyed stardom and had the world at her very own hands. She fell in love and lost her virginity. She claimed Justin was “the one” so didn’t hesitate giving herself to him. Playing naïve huh? Biatch!

Fast track to 2005 when she married her back-up dancer Kevin Federline. Ha! That loser! He comes around shopiing with his boys, using Britney’s moolah. While he bums around, not earning for the family.

Now that their divorce is in the works (or has it been granted?), US courts decided to grant Kevin the custody of their 2 young boys. I just feel so sad for Britney because after her heartache, her breakdown (remember her head-shaving moments?) and now her divorce.

I think the most painful thing a mother can experience is for her kids to be taken away from her. The courts decided that she isn’t fit to raise her boys for being constantly under the influence of controlled substance and alcohol. She doesn’t even have a valid driver’s license for crying out loud!

Well, I honestly hope she gets her act together. After all, there’s life after a storm. I hope she realizes all the crazy things she’s done before everything is taken away from her – her children, her career, her life. I do believe she has a lot of fans and friends who support and pray for her.

all good things must come to an end

my girls and i just capped a 3-hour karaoke session we've been itching about for the longest time. it's been a year since we unleashed the diva in us. ive been tossing and turning on my bed as my adrenaline is still kicking. thus i was compelled to compose this blog entry.

i'm naming this entry "all good things must come to an end."

yes,i did enjoy our singing. i gave my all to the point of losing my voice. i think i'm gonna have to shut up the whole day to recover my voice. but even if we all had the voice to utilize, even if we had the time to spare, even if we had the cash to burn, the night still had to end.

this will be our last major gimik before janice finally leaves for dubai. she's leaving next week and we're not sure if we will still see her before her flight. ha! she wanted to spare the drama.

she will always be remembered by the way she sang and danced tonight. man,she went ballistic! we were all laughing at her as she gyrated on the floor while singing at the top of her lungs. we've never seen this side of her. since one crazy chick. haha,as if we aren't.

so i guess i'm temporary saying goodbye to our friendship -- goodbye to karaoke addiction, goodbye to "gala," goodbye to everything we've learned to do in the past months we were together constantly. i wish my friend well. will pray for your safety and success.


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super saya ng kantahan. super emote sa "land of the loving," "your love" and "lost in your eyes." super hataw sa "i will survive," "last dance," "let's get loud," "footloose," "fergalicious" at ang club anthem na "name game." nagpakajologs sa "halik" at "total eclipse of the heart!!!" nakakaaliw talaga mag videoke. this is one of our staples na talagang mami-miss ko.
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burn out

super pagod na ko from work. as much as i wouldn't wanna complain,i
just feel that i've been working nonstop. but then again,kung walang
work,zero performance. kung zero performance,zero pay and zero promotion. oh
no! yun nga ang target ko this year eh. hay,bahala na. basta lang sana
matuloy ang plans ko for next year.

a season, a lifetime, an hour

since i got hold of a copy of lea salonga's "inspired" cd, i couldn't
stop listening to the first track titled "who are you?" i couldn't help
but recall a very nice email i received about 4 yrs ago having about
the same thought.

ang sabi ng email at ng kanta is that people come into our lives for a
reason. some stay for a lifetime, some you meet to serve a particular
purpose, some are just there as mere acquaintance.

"lifetime" people are are parents and relatives. of course,because God
chose them to bear us, nurture and nourish us, and basically be there
all our lives. at some point,our elders will die ahead of us,but we will
always know that they served their purpose. sabi nila we get to
appreciate our parents more when we become parents ourselves. i believe that
no matter how rough our relationships with our parents or relatives can
be,they will always be a major influence in our child-rearing stages.
in one way or another,we will apply the teachings or values they
instilled in us. let's admit it,we need our families. we seldom tell them how
grateful we are,but they have this lifelong commitment tha they will
with us forever.

yung mga "season" people naman are those we encounter who not
necessarily stay with us,but we may find a need for them in more ways than one.
i guess these are people we meet at certain stages in life. for
example,these are friends we meet during high school or college who you may
become friends with for a long time. however,they may not be your spa or
gym buddies, or fellow book club hobbyist as they may get busy
attending to their children or business trips. at some point,they will
disappear from your life,but again may or may not come back for another season.
they will leave important prints in your life that you will surely
cherish until you get hit by Alzheimer's.

finally,yung mga "hour" people are those that come as mere
acquaintance. ito yung mga taong nakikilala mo sa school, sa office, sa mga trips
you go to. pwedeng yung relationship with the person isn't that
substantial,but still hindi magiging kumpleto ang school or office life kung
hindi sila kasama sa eksena. you may bump into them one day and will not
remember their names. the person beside you will ask if you know
them,you might simply say "ah,taga office." but then again,you will always
associate that person with an institution you sought refuge to.
again,hindi kumpleto ang isang lugar kung hindi mo nakita ang pagmumukha nya
dun.

a person may crossover to these different levels of affiliation,but
bottom line is,we learn from these people or we discover things about
ourselves brought by experiences with these people. God always blesses us
with someone we can always share love and laughter with. the question
just lies as to how long they are willing to stay with us.

thinking aloud

i almost let the sunday pass without reading the papers. as i was
having my "breakfast dinner" composed of eggs and hotdogs and coffee,i
instantly grabbed the sunday edition of philstar.

i came across bum tenorio's article entitled "random thoughts." he has
compiled a number of thoughts and learnings he has deemed imperative as
he faces his life challenges. he also asked a couple of friends for
their thoughts. i wouldn't wanna post them here,but what i'll do is share
my own. so here,let's compare if we share the same lessons.

-a person can't have it all. one may have a kick-ass career,but is
doomed to be alone all his life. or it may be that one can have all the
wealth he can handle but is deprived of a healthy body.
-needless to say, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
-you don't really forget a painful experience. you only learn to accept
it and move on. but you will always remember.
-sometimes no matter how you pray for things to go a certain way,if
it's not meant,it will NEVER be.
-prayer is not a spare tire that you pull out if you think your life
has gone flat. it's the steering wheel that navigates your path to
wisdom,strength and peace.
- being "in love" is a state of mind. "Love" is a verb as it takes more
than commitment and feelings to sustain it. it's always a work in
progress.
- indifference is the opposite of love
- forgiving others is difficult if you can't forgive yourself
- success will always be attributed to passion -- passion to carry out
tasks with all your heart,mind & soul
- people hardly realize what they wanna do in life. some people learn
about it at 20, some in their 40s. some already know early on,but don't
exert extra effort to pursue their passion.
- if you lose a romantic love, you will gain friends' a hundred more
times
- a person may say a thing one moment,but may never mean the same some
other time. so a promise is never an assurance that you can hold on to
it if time tests it

so far,these are the thoughts on top of mind. i have so much things to
learn,and i will surely keep them.

reminiscing

a couple of nights ago,i spent a very good evening with two of my
girlfriends -- janice and mikhai. too bad cha wasn't able to make it,and i
was sure she missed our lakad. we were looking for a red top we were
required to wear for a program launching at work. we ransacked each and
every store possible for that perfect red top. good thing we were able to
grab one just right before the stores closed. we also had dinner at
burger king. really i was planning to have a very light dinner,but
fastfood don't really offer "light" stuff. there's no light in junk after
all. but mikhai and i had to give way to a very hungry,fragile-framed
janice. otherwise she'll be forced to skin us and eat us alive. i wonder
where she puts all the stuff she eats.

when janice leaves for dubai in 2 weeks (ayyyyy),the four of us will
never be complete again. we will never be the same again. definitely we
will be seeing one another again in a couple of years,but we really
can't bring back the old bond. for sure,we will be exposed to different
environment and experiences,so as our perspective and sentiments. i should
know,i have friends who've been gone for a while,and they become a
different person when they come home. i mean,change isn't bad. it's just
that i think we should learn to embrace it well. we have to move on for
a better understanding of things to come. we shouldn't dwell in the
past as it becomes frustrating most,if not all, the time.

please indulge me as i take a trip down memory lane.

here are a few unforgettable moments we will surely miss about our
group:

-gala on a weeknight
-pigging out
-st.jude novena every thursday
-trips to the salon
-make up shopping...
-...shopping in general
-ranting about everything we could ever think of
-laughing at each other's jokes
-planning vacations that never ever push through
-MANGTABLA NG MGA KAIBIGAN!
-singing at the top of our lungs in a karaoke bar
-movie nights
-pogi spotting
-listening to family stories that makes us realize that our families
are indeed strange,but we love them just the same
-how cha & i talk about books,and janice & mikhai can't relate
(remember "300"?)
-lovelife anecdotes that turn out to be silly,funny or plain shitty
-yosi (ahhh....)
-WENSHA!!!!
-exchanging gossips about our high school batchmates that are eighter
shocking or hilarious
-joyride a.k.a. client call
-sharing beauty regimen...

well the list could go on,and i must say it really is the bond that
will be sorely missed. wherever our fates take us,one thing is for sure:
our friendship is for keeps!

janice,i'll pray for you. fulfill your mission.

a love that lasts a lifetime

this is one of my dreaded moments,having to go out of town for a client
meeting while the rain is pouring endlessly. i thought i was gonna die
when i couldn't see a single thing on the road. as in zero visibility!
i guess it's true when they say that you grow your fears when you get
older. it's damn true!

fortunately,i was still able to reach my destination in one piece and i
had to take this trip as if i had a choice. otherwise,i won't be able
to witness a different kind of love.

i met with a colleague to meet up with a client. i was told her husband
drove her to our meeting place. she even bothered to tell me that her
husband used to work abroad. she persuaded him to just come home as
working in a far away place can be at times difficult. her husband agreed
and he found himself hopping in a plane bound home in no time. from
then on, besides mending his own business,he constantly drives her to her
meetings and appointments. awww,how sweet can that get???

also when it was time for us to take our lunch,she even called him to
ask what he wants to eat. needless to say,he didn't take his lunch and
just waited for us to finish so they can take their lunch together.
hay,how sweet. you can also feel the sweetness when they talk to one
another. *sigh*

i just hope i find a partner that will be willing to stick by me.. who
will be at my beck and call.. who will hold my hand when i'm afraid..
who will give me warmth when i'm cold.. who will listen to me as i
speak.. who will kiss me when i least expect it.. who will tell me i'm
beautiful at my most bloated moment.. who will sing to me.. who will refuse
to sleep when i'm not beside him.. who will dance with me even without
music.. who will be proud to be mine.. most of all,someone who will
never leave

*sigh*

birthday miracle, part deux

i think i got my fervent birthday wish, that is to witness a miracle.

i woke up at around 8:30am,and it was raining so hard. i was too lazy
to get my ass off the bed. i was thinking, damn,i bet it'll rain the
whole day. paano kami makakalabas ng bahay? after an hour of moping,it
finally stopped. the bright yellow sun started peeking out as if that was
its way of telling me it will not spoil my birthday. true enough,the
sun was shining strongly the whole day. it gave me a very hopeful
feeling,to think we should be expecting a storm.

i guess that's GOD's way of telling me that my sun will be shining
bright soon,when i least expect it. you see,i've been wallowing in misery
for quite some time now,and i've been praying sincerely that GOD grants
me peace. i need to heal. i need acceptance. most of all,i need to
forgive myself. i think i have forgiven the person who has caused me
this,but i think i haven't forgiven myself. the feeling sucks,and i guess
that's the main thing that continually drags me down this bottomless pit.
i want to free myself from this.

i believe that GOD will give me this. i know there is hope. i trust
that HE will heal me.

Thank you...

As I eagerly & hurriedly opened Cha’s birthday gift (a Lea Salonga CD. Yehey!!!) , I can’t wait to read her acknowledgments. Siguro it’s such a great feeling to show gratitude to people who have helped you get through life. They are not just there to witness how you blossom into a great person that you are, but they were there as well to see you go through hell and back. It’s such a joyful thought that God is so good as He has blessed me with wonderful people who have been there – those who have basically seen me in my pangit and glorious days.

Thank you Mommy & Daddy for the unconditional love, the patience and faith that you have showered me all these years. We all know that I’m such a pain to put up with, really, thank you. I’m just so sorry that I hardly show gratitude for all your understanding. But really, it truly is whole-heartedly appreciated. I love you.

Tsie-tsie, for being my the only one who understands me, without passing judgment on me, for being patient with me. I admire your generosity. I am glad we’ve come this close. You’re one of the reasons why I’m still sane. To my nieces and nephews na super doper cute na mana sa Tita nila, you’re the cutest babies I ever laid my eyes on!

Cha, Mikhai, Janice, for being my constant companions. For the friendship that has spanned for more than 10 years. I’m glad we have reconnected a few years back, and you will always be my Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda. Grabe, sa lahat ng kabaliwan at ilusyon, kayo ang kasama ko. Mikhai, we don’t get to talk often but please do remember that I’m proud of you, for what you’ve become, most especially at work. Hindi ko matatawaran ang PR mo, mare! Cha, my new-found church buddy. Thanks for helping me renew my faith. I thought I’ve reached rock bottom, but you proved me wrong. Thank you sa mga learnings and wisdom and sweet morning messages. You are so thoughtful. I’m also proud of you, for being kind-hearted, spiritual and malambing. Tanga lang ang hindi makakapansin sayo. Janice, bakla! Sa lahat ng kahalayan, magkasundo tayo. Lahat ng mga heart problems, tayo lang ang relate sa isa’t isa. Salamat for making me laugh. Iba ka! Be strong. Andito lang ako even if you choose not to be too open to me at times. It’s your prerogative. But since you were there for me when I was down, dito lang din me! =) Mwah! Love ko kayo to the highest level!

To my EPCI friends – Portia, JP, Patis, Laurie, Barbs, etc. – sobrang happy ako when we got together kahit na-spoil yung night out natin! Hahaha. Miss ko na ang barkadahan. I still believe that our Puerto Galera is the best shindig we ever had! Sana maulit pa in this lifetime.

To EPCI CorBank, you just don’t know how proud I am to have met you and become a part of the ever elite group of CaMPS/CorBank. You’re the funniest, wittiest, most cultured people I know! Cheers to more summer outings and spectacular Christmas parties!

To you-who-must-not-be-named: THANK YOU! As in! For the past 3 years of my life, it was your hand I was holding. Thanks for all the love and happiness you’ve given me and most especially all the learnings you’ve taught me. Ive learned more about myself. Marami akong na-realize or naramdaman that I felt I wasn’t capable of feeling. I’ve learned to be generous and selfless. You taught me how to pray hard, that you and I never end. You also taught me to dream, and waking me up from the same dream. After all, this is just a dream…

Birthday miracle

Tomorrow is my birthday. A few months back, I’ve been praying that for my birthday, I wanna witness a “miracle.” For so many years now, I’ve been witnessing a few random acts of kindness, made especially during my birthday.

I remember vividly, my birthday always being blessed with heavy drizzle, on my way to school, some random lola I bumped into the street suddenly shared her payong with me. Ewan ko ba, she just let go of this beautiful smile and told me, “ineng, magpayong ka o!” Since then, I’ve been a firm believer in “angels.” Angels, in my opinion, exist in this chaotic world. See, even little acts of kindness and compassion are brought about by God’s ultimate message of loving others. I believe these acts of goodness are avenues to make us realize that we should be doing this to other people as it will surely make others feel good and perhaps make them believe again that hey, the world isn’t that hopeless.

So now, I’m always on the look-out so as not to miss my miracle.

Friends

It’s amazing how people change and touch you in mysterious ways. This is how my former classmate and good friend Kay affects me. Back in college, we’re not the closest friends, I couldn’t even remember us exchanging pleasantries. I do remember her inviting us to her birthday parties. Nevertheless, I really don’t consider her one of my close friends in college.

Fast forward to 2006. She was connected to an IT-ish organization that needed sales people. She thought of me, and in no time, I was filing my resignation from my employer. In short, she was a breath of fresh air from my slowly deteriorating banking career, notwithstanding my emaciated wallet.

When I started working for “our” company, I was a mess. The culture was totally different from what I’ve grown accustomed to. The people are less sophisticated, but kept a very friendly atmosphere just the same. The structure was different, if there was any structure at all. I had a hard time having a good grasp of what “we” do for a living. It was hell for me, but I can throw shopping sprees left and right.

Kay was one of those very few people who kept me sane during my stay in that company. I was so overwhelmed of our new-found friendship. We saw how we changed from our sleepless-nights-coffee-guzzling-thesis-writing days. We’ve grown into the fine women our beloved St. Scholastica has molded us to be. Well, the spirit of compassion and camaraderie will always be imbibed in us.

Now that Kay is in Singapore to try her luck in a Chinese-dominated land, I wish her really well. I was able to speak to her and I’m glad she’s doing well. For one, she has a kick-ass job. Second, she has her own place. Third, she shops often. Okay, maybe a lot.

She’s trying to persuade me into visiting her, and maybe stay there with her. The offer is so tempting. I know my time will come to spread my wings. I will take baby steps to reach that goal…

September 11

the whole world commemorates the 6th anniversary of the world trade
center attack. i remember my cousin aimee telling the story how it was
like to be in new york at that exact moment the twin towers were being
ruthlessly attacked and brought down. it was a total news block out as
they were kept locked in the hospital she was in. she couldnt phone their
boston home to tell her parents shes alright,so she had to call an aunt
in california to phone boston to inform them shes ok.

when she finally got out of the hospital,the roads were a mess.
everyone was covered in dust. you can see evryone crying,helping
everyone,comforting everyone. for her,the silence was deafening,as if everyone is in
mourning.

it now makes me wonder: what person is capable of doing this? what
caused this act that put so many innocent people's lives to waste? so many
dreams shattered, so many hopes broken.

i dont intend to don a miss universe answer here, but really,what
really is wrong with world peace? i think this will be a very nice place to
live in if everyone of us have peace reigning in our hearts.

Jerry Maguire moment

i was able to catch jerry maguire last week on cable. one guy said,
without love (heart),the mind means nothing.
totoo kaya ito? how often do logical people use their heart? and do
emotional people use their minds at all?

its been said time and again that the mind has been placed way up above
the heart so it should be utilized more often than that 4-chambered
organ. yeah,sure,its easier said than done. i believe human beings are
too extreme. it's either they're too dense to the point of being
ruthless, or there are those that are too compassionate they end up being
stepped on.

but what difference does it make if we make one rule over the other?

i'd like to think that im a logical, thinking person. most of the
time,my decisions in life are based on intellectual efforts to come to a
sound resolution. but i couldnt help to sometimes make plunges that are
unthought of. these are spontaneous,spur of the moment things that add
spice to life.

sometimes the things that make up a person are those that are done
spontaneously. i dont believe in being structured through and through. it's
those things that you do "just for the heck of it" that balance your
being,your entirety. of course,it is good to keep your values and
learning intact, but people sure do wanna have fun. it somehow satisfies the
quintessential "what if" that makes you lose sleep at night.

my point is,should you decide not to use your mind at all,be sure to
throw your cautions to the wind. it helps to be unapologetic in any
decision you make. for sure,even for a split second,it would make you
happy. complete.

I need inspiration

....but hey don’t get me wrong. Im not looking for any serious, committed, romantic relationship right now. That’s the farthese thing on my mind. I think Im enjoying myself now after having gone thru a roller coaster of emotions. I admit I used to (?) have a hard time dealing with what happened to me lately, but I think I have slowly risen above it. Of course, there are still occasional lapses, but hey I’m stronger now.

All the writing (blogging) and talking to friends helped me cope with what I was going through. It wasn’t a walk in the park, I tell you. But releasing what I really feel by putting it in words really was a great tool in setting me free from all these hulabaloo.

I used to write a lot, I even kept a very nice journal. Need I say expensive. I have this obsession with paper. I buy a lot of notebooks, but I don’t get to use them all. They just end up gathering dust. Thank heavens for online journals.

I just wish I could write more. To help me even further in coping with whatever it is that stresses or bothers me. I also want to develop critical thinking by delving deep into subjects that make sense and that concerns either me, my loved ones or even the whole world. Like I said, I just need inspiration. These days, I think I also need time. Lots of it. To think… to breathe… to live… and eventually, to love…. again.

Dance of life..

i was so compelled by my friends to continually write in my blog. i
tell them i dont get to write often because i dont hve much time in my
hands,or i sometimes simply lack the "inspiration."

good thing cha insisted that i post an entry so: 1. she'd know what ive
been up to, 2.take a peek at whats running in this crazy mind of mine,
or 3.shes plain bored. hmm,id go for #3. hehe,kidding.
nevrtheless,here it is...

well,i was able to attend reagan's streetdance class again at gold's
after 4 months. hes one of the reasons why i renewed my gym membership.
although his steps are a bit complicated (after all,hes a member of phil
all stars,who happens to win every hiphop competition they join at any
given time,in any part of the world),still i enjoy his class sooooo
much. im just so thankful my asthma days are over (temporarily?), and im
glad im back on my feet...literally.

i really enjoy dancing. maybe because when i was younger (and much
flexible), i was exposed to different kinds of dance --
ballet,jazz,hawaiian,hiphop,you name it. for some strange reason,i stopped dancing at age
9. thats just me i guess,i dont really engage myself in one thing for a
long time (except swimming,which i still do up to now). only now that
i realize maybe im not meant to be a dancer. im a bit (read again,BIT)
on the heavy side. i bet its not such a joy to see someone doing
arabesques and pirouettes looking like a wine barrel. ha,what a shame!

thank god for gold's gym really. ive had several gym memberships before
yet ive nevr enjoyed their group classes the way gold's excites me.
oh, how can i forget abner?? that cute chinese ballet dancer who taught
one dance class that laurie and i miss sooo terribly. he named his
class "all that dance" because he taught a very diverse kind of dance. from
jazz to striptease to lap dancing. sobrang landi nya when he dances
thats why hes such a joy to watch. nakakahawa ang "sensuality" nya when
he dances. hay,i miss his class!

dare i say that dancing is my passion as it gives me this natural high?
is there such a thing that you can be passionate about, but cant put
food on your table? hahaha. i dont expect myself to dance for a
living,but how come reagan and abner can do it? siguro kung kinarir ko ang
dancing,maybe i can be a dance teacher or maybe travel the world for
competitions. but then again,im happy with the way dancing influences me now.
it relieves my stress after a busy day. it gives me something to look
forward to...

...and if only dancing can make you forever forget your woes..

Birthday blues

Tomorrow is the start of the official countdown to my (gasp!) 27th birthday. Yes, I'm getting a year older, and I hope a year wiser as well. Honestly, I do feel like my mental age is that of a 12-year-old. Whew, alarming!

Lately, I just feel so burned out from work. I've been trying hard to meet my targets, but it seems a very distant reality. However, it does not keep me from giving my all. I'm committed to this. I enjoy my job, would you believe?

Oh, well. I've got not that much to say. Just so elated to have my blog back.

Will update you of my rendezvous soon.

Decisions, decisions

I firmly believe that happiness is a choice. And so is moving on. From now on, I’m moving on from things that has brought me immense pain. For a time, I’ve exhausted all my efforts, time and energy to one thing that I thought has a chance. I just told myself that in due time, I’m still gonna have it back. Things happened so fast and I think it’s God’s way of telling me that I have to give up the dream.

On blogging and lipgloss

I chanced upon one of our local celeb’s blog and I’m just so elated to read her posts. She seems very normal like everyone of us. She is also vulnerable to pain, very open to life’s mysteries and questions. She isn’t afraid to share her thoughts. You can tell she is an intelligent being by being inquisitive. I admire her strength to face her daily challenges. Above all, I admire her faith in God. In everything she does, she never ceases to praise God. I wish to develop my faith further. I just need to trust HIM in everything I do. As long as I accept HIM as my savior, for sure, I’ll be in good hands.

She also mentioned that we must always search for mundane things that make us smile. It will definitely make a difference and make our load lighter. At this point in my life, I badly need things that will really ceaselessly cheer me up. I’m being subjected to a challenge that really tests my character. So let me start by saying that a yummy lipgloss like Victoria’s Secret’s Beauty Rush line in Crème Femme really makes me smile. It’s addictive because it not only smells and tastes yummy, it brightens up any dull face as well. If only life can be this easy…

New 'do

Im glad my friends decided to hear mass at Greenbelt yesterday so I was able to join them. Before that, I decided to have a haircut, a bob ala Katie Holmes. I’ve been itching to have that ‘do for quite some time now and I hardly had the attention to do my work all day, daydreaming how I’d look like sporting that fab hair. So at exactly 5:31, I breezed through the halls of my office and rushed to Fix salon to have my hair done. I just love the outcome! I’m just so elated to have my old hair back. I feel so light…

Speaking of light, the priest had a sermon about traveling light. He reminds us not to hold grudges towards others. It will help us breeze through life. I mean, we won’t go wrong if we leave our baggage behind and perhaps lift it up to God. For sure He will not disappoint us.

It also dawned on me that I’ve spent most of time attending to things that really didn’t matter, or things that didn’t need that much attention. My devotion was diverted AGAINST God. This time, I believe, that God is speaking to me, asking me to spend more time with HIM. You know, I told Him I might trip occasionally, but He will be my partner from now on. I know He will not hurt me, He will not fail me.

this will be the first time that i'm discussing this thought to myself: I might consider (this is still tentative right?) going to the states… for good? To work? I don’t know yet. But I already got an invitation from my Tito Mongget, for a vacation to say the least. We all know this is (or used to be?) the farthest thing from my mind. But people do change, they can decide on things one minute, then change preferences the next.

But right now, Im seriously considering it. Especially if things don’t turn out the way I hoped for.

Bonne chance!

After 20 long years, I was able to see my cousins for the first time -- Aimee, Ross, Raymond & Ryan. They haven’t changed a bit, I mean I recognized them the very minute I laid eyes on them. Aimee cut her hair short as in cropped, Ross grows beard (tolerable according to my standards), Raymond dresses well (and the tallest among the brood) and Ryan, my “baby,” didn’t grow much (hehe). I was so happy to see them again. Gee, I never imagined we’d still see each other in this lifetime. Good thing Tito Mongget loves surprises and they were really planning to inform us of their arrival a day before. One of the smart ones told him that we might go somewhere so we have to be informed at once. Even the kids weren’t informed about the trip until recently. No idea of their itinerary even.

I’m just so jealous their planning a trip to El Nido (drool). I wish I could come but they’ll be staying there for a week. That’s too long, man! I have work. Plus, I don’t have cash to burn. Hehe.

It was a total nosebleed, you know, talking to them! Haha! Just kidding. Good thing their folks are so used to speaking Tagalog at home so they could perfectly understand the dialect. They’d just answer back in English though. But that’s not bad huh?

They brought a lot of American mags with them (gossip mags! Woohoo!). They got me a Juicy Couture bag & wallet. Lipgloss, perfume & an oversized red bag (I just sooooo love it). Aimee also got me this cocktail ring (locket). It’s so cute I can’t take it off my finger.

We had dinner at Abe in Serendra. Wouldn’t wasn’t that great. They serve Kapampangan dishes. Would u believe, Aimee ordered crickets??? Ross even tasted it (he’s a bit picky with food. I remember him being the fastfood type). Raymond & I were hesitant to try it at first, but we decided to give it a go.

Raymond and Ryan are more sociable than the two. Aimee is mahinhin and Ross needs to socialize more.

Will tell you more about our adventure soon.

Ciao!

a song i find so sad but happens to most of us

I CANT MAKE YOU LOVE ME
Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, dont patronize - dont patronize me

Cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me, if you dont

Ill close my eyes, then I wont see
The love you dont feel when youre holding me
Morning will come and Ill do whats right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me, if you don’t

im here!

shall i show my annoyance on my very first blog? i dont care. would you believe somebody asked me about how much i weigh? are you kidding me? what the hell she cares??? i dont believe in numbers you, know. they just make you feel (1) old (2) fat (okay, overweight) (3) stupid (4) doesnt know anything about math. whatever the case may be, i don't like it. i crunch numbers everyday for crying out loud! i get to face financial statements day in day out, so why should i want it? i didnt study psychology for this.

anyway, thanks, cha, for persuading me to create my blog! this is so cathartic.